Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•  If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
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• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Sent to me by Stephen Edwards - Unknown origin